Ham Salad - The Midwest Aioli

Another installment in my series of “Emotional Support Recipes”

People may assume in the last chapter that I was making up the bit about ham salad as an all-purpose dip for crudités at the Pale Moon Supper Club.

Well, brace yourselves.

It wasn’t a joke. Neither is this recipe.

A word of warning: When you eat a glob of this smeared on the end of a carrot stick you will… feel things. Ham salad is not just the aioli of my people—and it is not for the faint of heart. It is the gateway drug to a Midwestern underworld of hot dish and Jell-O salads.

Now, let us proceed—

Midwestern Ham Salad

Ingredients

• 1 lb cooked ham (leftover holiday ham preferred; refrigerator-chilled for at least 24 hours so it dices properly and feels judgmental)

• ½ cup Miracle Whip (No, not mayonnaise. This is Iowa, dear.)

• ¼ cup mayonnaise (Hellmann’s. We believe in compromise with the Miracle Whip, but don’t push your luck.)

• 1–2 tablespoons yellow mustard (or Grey Poupon Dijon if you’re feeling fancy)

• 2 tablespoons sweet pickle relish

• 1 tablespoon dill pickle relish (Yes, both. This is a democracy.)

• 2 tablespoons very finely minced onion (optional, and for true Iowa authenticity, use the Tone’s dried minced onion reconstituted with water)

• 2 ribs celery, finely minced (provides crunch, color and the illusion that this is a salad)

• 1 hard-boiled egg, finely chopped (optional but deeply traditional)

• Salt and black pepper to taste

• Paprika, for ceremonial dusting

Method

1. Mince the ham finely. Not “chunky.” Not “artisanal.” It should be ambiguous whether this was done with a knife, grinder, or Dad’s Craftsman table saw in the basement wood shop.

2. In a bowl, combine ham, Miracle Whip, mayo, mustard, both relishes, onion, celery, and egg if using (but of course you are).

3. Stir until cohesive, pale pink, and vaguely alarming.

4. Taste. Adjust salt and pepper. Add more mayo if it feels emotionally dry.

5. Chill at least 1 hour—overnight is better. Ham salad improves with time, like memory and guilt.

To Serve (Important)

• Spoon into small paper cups if available.

• Place beside:

◦ crinkle-cut carrots

◦ celery of uncertain vintage

◦ radishes capable of marking slate

• Garnish with paprika if company is coming.

• Optional: Crushed Ruffles potato chips for texture (“Ham Salad Gravel”)

• Serve with white bread and one pat of margarine per slice.

• Additional margarine is available upon request, but you will be judged.

Emotional Notes

• This pairs beautifully with brandy Old Fashioneds, awkward silences, and realizations you won’t fully process for another decade.

• Keeps 3–4 days in the fridge, longer if everyone politely avoids it.

• This is what happens when the Midwest looks at France and says: “We’ll do it ourselves.”