Casserole of Shame

THE SECOND THURSDAY CIRCLE OF GRACE

Cooking with Grace:

Recipes for the Spiritually Overdone

Vol. 1, Issue 7 • Mimeographed with Love

and Cooking Sherry

This Month’s Feature Recipe:

Midwestern Hot Mess Casserole

Submitted by Marybeth Radosovich

(Honorary Member, Pie Judging Committee, 2012–present)

“A rich, layered dish for those moments when you’ve disappointed your mother, your pastor, and the ghost of your great-aunt Edna. Best served lukewarm, under fluorescent lighting, on a table covered in plastic floral cloth.”

Ingredients:

•1 can Campbell’s Condensed Regret

•2 cups shredded identity (reserve a little for garnish)

•1 packet dry onion soup mix (for tears)

•4 oz. diced doubt

•1 cup crushed hopes (preferably unsalted)

•1 lb. ground Midwestern expectation

•1 can cream of what-will-the-neighbors-think

Topping:

•French-fried onions

•Generational guilt, lightly browned

•One discreet dusting of paprika for appearances

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350°F or whatever temperature your mother said you’d never live up to. Grease a 9x13 glass baking dish passive-aggressively with butter. (Margarine is acceptable if you’re still in denial.)

2. In a large mixing bowl—preferably the one passed down from Aunt Edna that smells faintly of ranch dressing and sadness—combine the ground Midwestern expectation and diced doubt. Stir until thoroughly repressed.

3. Fold in the shredded identity, but save a little back for garnish later. (It’s important to appear like you’ve got it together, even if the middle’s a mess.)

4. Sprinkle the dry onion soup mix across the top like the tears of your youth pastor when he caught you reading Sylvia Plath in the church library.

5. Add crushed hopes gradually, using a wooden spoon and a sense of obligation. If mixture becomes too stiff, thin with cream of what-will-the-neighbors-think until consistency resembles a strained holiday dinner conversation.

6. Pour into prepared dish, smoothing the top with the back of a spoon and the hollow ache of compromise.

7. For the topping: Layer French-fried onions with lightly browned generational guilt. (If guilt is still raw, broil for 2–3 minutes until crisp and bubbling with unresolved trauma.)

8. Dust with paprika. This adds nothing to the flavor but reminds people you made an effort.

9. Bake uncovered for 45 minutes or until the edges bubble with anxiety and the center cracks and no longer holds together.

10. Serve lukewarm, alongside three kinds of Jell-O salad, a beige dinner roll, and the sound of someone muttering, “Well, bless his heart.”

Editor’s note: The original version of this recipe included a half-stick of repressed bisexuality and a dash of nutmeg. These have been omitted after the 1987 Fellowship Hall Incident.

* * *

Kitchen Devotion: “Do not stir the pot unless you’re prepared to taste what simmers.”—Hezekiah 4:13

(Not canon, but emotionally accurate.)

Prayer Requests & Potluck Notes:

•Please pray for Loretta. Her casserole exploded in the church microwave again. She’s still finding bits of crushed hopes under the turntable.

•The youth group’s Bake Sale for Broken Dreams & HVAC Repair is next Sunday. Please bring one tray of brownies and three unresolved childhood issues.

•Lost & Found: One (1) pastel Tupperware lid. Owner must correctly identify what the dish was before it became a metaphor.

Next Month: Ambrosia Redemption Pie • Sister Janice shares her recipe and testifies about Cool Whip and second chances